If you must know, before I was diagnosed with everything, I just basically chalked everything up to my medication that I was taking when I go sick in Virginia. When I was living in VA, I got really sick and was taken to the doctor's. He diagnosed me with respiratory ailment and gave me prednisone for it. Well, prednisone is a steroidal medication that does help the ailment, but it also has a badddddd side effect of weight gain. Now, I did not believe that I would gain so much weight and trust me, when I did, I could not believe how much and how fast I had gained. I gained so much that when my parents saw me after a few months, they could not believe what was happening to me. It was crazy to me how much weight I had gained (literally about 75 lbs in over a few months) But being young and naive as I was, I seriously just thought it was the medication that made me this big. So, I just decided to live with it. I tried to work out. I barely lost a pound or two. If I did lose a steady five pounds or more, then the week I took a break from working out, I gained it all back. And NO, I DO NOT EAT A LOT. Sometimes I could barely eat. I had a feeling there was something else wrong, but I did not know how to find out what was wrong. (Again, young and stupid.)
Fast forward a few years to when my husband and I are trying to figure out why I just miscarried our second child and why it was getting harder and harder for me to conceive. After many failed attempts to conceive again, we were referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) in Oahu. She specializes in helping families with infertility problems. After all of the doctors I had seen for my "regular" appts, any time I complained about my weight or issue, they would just say "stop eating so much. be more active." Pffftttttttttttt!! I don't and I was! But they never listened. Until we met Dr. D. in Oahu. Wow, one look.. I kid you not, one LOOK at me and she said, "I'm going to run some tests. I'm wondering if you have something called PCOS. This could be the cause of the abnormal weight gain, difficulty to lose the weight, and skin darkening that I can see right now. You carry most of your weight around your mid-section. That is a good indication. We will test you right now." And off I went to the blood lab! My cousin, Kirby (RIP cousin!), was the lucky person to take me to the blood draw. He almost damn near fainted when he saw them take twenty-one, YES, TWENTY-one tubes of blood from me. She asked for every work up and blood panel she could think of that would hopefully explain what was happening to me. Thank goodness she did. Because that is when we found out that I had PCOS, metabolic syndrome, and problems producing progesterone (important hormone to keep a baby alive when you first conceive.)
This was only the beginning of my problems, but it definitely helped us get started on the road to... I can't say recovery, but to getting better! After starting the medications she prescribed, I started to get my periods regularly again (essential to conceive) and I started to feel a little better and even look a little better. I wasn't all "fixed," but it was definitely something! PCOS makes it easy for a person to gain weight but 100 times harder to lose the weight. It messes with your hormones and just messes up your chances of conceiving a baby.
After that diagnosis, we started on our fertility journey. We failed at timed intercourse, so we were upped to IUI's. We had many, many failed IUI attempts or would conceive and miscarry within the first four weeks. Devastating, but we did not want to give up.
We were given the opportunity to do IVF and we jumped on it. They were able to retrieve 33 eggs from me during the procedure, but only eight eggs took and only six survived the process. We chose to implant two embryos. That did not take. We again saw another negative. It was getting harder and harder on my body. I was gaining more weight and even more hormonal from the meds. I know I drove Nam crazy, but like I said, I'm so thankful he stayed. Any other guy would've bailed out already. I was turning into someone that even I did not know or recognize. But I was so determined. SO DETERMINED to have a child that I was willing to hurt our marriage. I didn't mean to, but I know I did. But I wanted a baby so badly that it was clouding my judgement.
Two years later and we finally conceive with IUI and the baby made it past six weeks. We were ecstatic but we knew that we shouldn't be too happy. A lot could happen in just the next week alone. We go for our confirmation ultrasound and we find out that I was actually pregnant with twins! Two babies! But sadly, one was already bleeding out and only one baby was still viable. We were sad, but still happy to see that little bubble in the sonogram. We promised to take it easy and follow-up as directed.
A few weeks later and we go in for another sonogram. Baby A is alive and growing well. No problems seen and we were sent home. This could be it! We might be able to make this pregnancy last the whole nine months! Wishful thinking, I know. Because less than a week later I started to feel these crazy pains throughout my body that I just could not explain. It felt like my heart beat was pulsating up and down my veins. I felt like I could feel EVERY HEART BEAT. It was painful! I started to get ridiculous pains on my lower abdomen. I couldn't stand, I couldn't lay, I couldn't sit, I could barely breathe. Something was wrong and I knew I couldn't do anything about it but rush to the hospital. Nam called Dr. D. and she said to rush to the emergency room.
As I was being driven to the hospital, I was crying in agony in the back. I couldn't lay or sit. I was just in so much pain! I was crying and I didn't know what to do. I had lost all control within my body and mind and I was just hurt. I am finally at the ER and was quickly admitted. The attending physician came in to ask what was wrong and as I was explaining my pain, I could tell that he was not really listening. He said, "Okay, i'll see what we can do and I'll be right back." He comes back after a few tests and I can hear him say that "She is probably just imagining this pain. Just send her home with some _painkiller_ and have her follow-up with her doctor." When he told us that, I was enraged. I could not believe that he thought I was over-exaggerating! I demanded he call Dr. D. and tell her that I was still in a great deal of pain and there has to be something wrong with the baby! He finally comes in and says that Dr. D. recommends a full ultrasound scan. I finally feel some sense of relief, but I was still in so much pain and disbelief that all I did was cry.
The U/S tech finally comes in to get me. At first she started the U/S like any other sonogram. She saw Baby A right away and did the measurements said Baby A seems to be doing good. She doesn't see any internal bleeding, but she was not done with the ultrasound yet. After a few minutes, she starts to talk less. She basically became silent. She started measuring something and was not informing us of what she was doing. Every time we asked if something was wrong, she kept saying I'm not allowed to tell you anything. I will send these to the doctor and I will be back. After another 20 minutes, she's finally done with the U/S and she says that she has to speak to the doctor and she will be right back. I'm still in pain right now. I'm laying there and just staring at Baby A just pictured in his bubble. I thought that seeing baby okay would make me feel better, it didn't. I was still in immense pain.
The tech finally walks back in. She proceeds to inform us that there is another baby in there. The baby is growing as it should and looks to be fine, but the baby was not in the uterus. They were saying the baby was ectopic (growing outside the uterus) The doctor then comes in and informs me that I need an MRI so that they can determine where this baby is.
Off I go to the MRI room. Nam doesn't know what to do. I don't know what's happening, but I lay there and get the MRI done. Afterwards, the doctor comes in with the results. It seems that this baby was growing near my internal organs and needed to be terminated because it was growing too big. I could die if we did not terminate soon. ASAP actually. So, we make the heart-breaking decision to have them terminate the baby. The only way to do this so they do not harm Baby A was to have a potassium shot (injected with a ridiculously huge and long needle) inserted into my belly and guided by sonogram and injected into the baby. That would (and should have terminated the baby)
I am now a medical phenomenon. This has only happened to a handful of women in the world (documented, at least) and they were uncertain of the ways to proceed, but the potassium shot was the best bet to keep Baby A safe. The follow-up sonogram shows that Baby B has passed. We just had to make sure that the baby's sac was no longer growing.
We thought we were safe. I was no longer in throbbing pain and I felt as if we were on the way to recovery. I was wrong. I started to feel pains again. We went in for a f/u sonogram. The sonogram shows us that Baby B's sac was still growing. It was becoming bigger and bigger and that's why I was not getting better. Baby A was still thriving and alive. What are we gonna do?
Our choices? The insensitive jerks said that she wanted to just go in and cut the baby out. A big chance that I would lose Baby A in the process and I could die as well. Or we can terminate Baby A and then go in and have them remove Baby B as well. Putting less risk on my life. What were we to do? I asked Nam and we asked my parents. They said that my life was more important right now. Be selfish. We can try again. We not only got pregnant this time, but with multiples! We can do it again. We agreed. We sadly chose to terminate Baby A.
I cried and cried all the way until they put me under. The doctor said she removed everything of Baby A. I cried. Nam cried. I just didn't want to live anymore. But I knew I was given this chance to live again. I was going to take it. We thought that this was it. I was finally on the road to recovery. Well, we were wrong.
At a follow-up appointment, Dr. D. discovers that the sac of Baby B was still growing. She would have to go in and remove it. It was getting too dangerous. She sets up the surgery and we agree to be there.
That day, as she checks me in, I remember her asking me "What is your blood type?" I said I didn't know. She said, "okay, just as a precaution we will get your blood type. Just in case you need a blood transfusion. But I doubt it." That was the last thing I remembered before I went under.
When I woke up in recovery, all I remember is opening my eyes. It was hazy and I started to drift back to sleep. Then I hear the nurse yelling at me to stay awake. Stay with him. I feel him hitting me. He then yells for assistance and that I was about to code. That was all I remembered from that...
I then wake up in recovery again. This time, they inform me that I lost so much blood that I needed to have a blood transfusion. They told me to rest up and they will take me up to my room where the doctor will come to see me. I fell back asleep.
In my designated room, Dr. D. steps in. She finally informs me of the catastrophe that was my surgery. When she went in the laparoscopic (belly button) route, she realized that the baby was actually attached to my uterine muscle and my internal organs. The baby had become like a cancerous cell. It was growing even though there was no viable baby present. She had to hurry and call for an oncologist to come in and assist. She had to open me up. I had to get a laparotomy. They said they cut me open and were finally able to remove the sac, but they also had to remove a portion of my uterine muscle. If I were to get pregnant again and have a full-term baby, I would not be able to push the baby out. I would need to have a c-section. No matter what. I could not believe what I was hearing. This was all so unreal to me. I looked at my dad who came to be by my side and also at my husband and I started crying. Why me? What the heck did I do in my past life to deserve all of this? But they told me that I was lucky to be alive. Was I? Was I really lucky? *sigh
Am I done yet? Nope. Ready to read on? Okay... let's continue. So fast forward two or three months and Nam and I are no longer residents of Hawaii, but we are now in another city/state. In my crazy mind-set, I believed that I was ready to have another baby. I wanted to start trying again. Was I crazy? Yes? I wanted to fill an empty void that I had. I wanted our babies to come back. So, being the supportive husband he is, he decides to start trying again.
We again have months of failed IUI's. He was growing frustrated. Not at me. But at the sight of seeing me get injected with medications every day. Taking pills every day. All just to have a baby and try to stay as healthy as I can.
Finally, one month, we decided to take a break. My parents and grandma told us they were coming in town. We both agreed that I should take a break and let my body rest. We didn't want me to be moody around my parents and grandma. We wanted to enjoy their visit.
...And this is how a miracle came about. They came to visit and we had a great time. Oddly enough, a week after they had flown back, I started to get nauseous a lot. Craving weird things. But I couldn't be pregnant. We took a break. But hey, lets just take the extra progesterone gel we had left. They were expiring that month. They were expensive. Doesn't hurt. A few days later... I decided to test just for the heck of it. I threw up that morning, but I thought it was food poisoning or my meds. But hey, why not? Have test strips. Just do it. (People who have been trying to conceive understand the need to pee on a stick. Yes, the need to.) So, I did. I went outside to watch t.v. for a bit. Came back to use the restroom and just so happened to walk by the test. Looked at it. Thought I was seeing things and said, "Ha, go pee. You aren't pregnant!" So, I did. Then I came back to wash my hands and stare at the test again. Yup. There was a line. A faint, faint line. But it was there. Couldn't be. If I were pregnant, then I was three weeks pregnant. Like three weeks and 2 days. Too early to tell. But I called my RE and went in for a blood test anyway. It was a friday, so they said they would call me monday with the results. I pee'd on a stick again on saturday, saturday afternoon, saturday night, yup... you get the point. All the way up to monday morning. I woke up and did it again. The results you ask? The line kept getting darker. :)
Finally the doctors office called. "Congratulations. You are pregnant! Early on, but definitely pregnant! Come in for another blood draw to see if your numbers went up." And did they? They DID! This baby was right on track. Blood draw after blood draw, he was growing!
Finally at our 12 week check up, we go in for the sonogram and the RE turns to us and says, "Congratulations, you have graduated from me and are being sent to a regular OBGYN. You will also see a perinatologist, but you have made it to twelve weeks. TWELVE WEEKS!" We could not believe our ears and eyes. We made it this far! OMG!
After months and weeks of heart monitoring three times a week, multiple tests and multiple sonograms, our miracle decided to come out to the world. He had me 2 cm dilated at 18 weeks and contracting the whole pregnancy and on bed rest the WHOLE ENTIRE PREGNANCY, but he was here! He was 5-1/2 weeks early, but he was in our arms. ALIVE, BREATHING, and CRYING! He was OURS! OMG! He IS OURS! He came at a time that we needed him and he came at a time that he was ready. He is truly our miracle child.
You would think this would be it right? I'm good now right? Nope. I was diagnosed with an adenoma in my pituitary gland when Kaleb was barely a few weeks old. I now have a brain tumor. Yup, it has been affecting my hormones and it was also another cause of my weight gain, vision blurriness, headaches, depression, and number of health problems. The tumor is not growing as of last year, so we are doing the "wait and see" method on what to do. I'm on medications for it. But now... I think that I have something else. We will find out this friday or next week when I go back to the doctors.
So, I will leave you here and say thank you for reading this. I can't believe you made it this far. Congrats! Ha! :) Well, I promise to keep you posted on my findings and I will continue to fill you in on what else that has been happening to me. I can't fit it all in one night of blogging. So good night and sweet dreams world! Til next blog!
My World
(the two reasons why I will keep fighting this fight and I will never give up!)
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