This is a touchy subject to so many. Most of you don't know what to say to someone who is dealing with infertility and some of you are just cold-hearted punks! What? I can't be honest? Some of you are.
So, here's the thing... How do you think it feels like to have to go through MONTH by MONTH praying that you don't get your period and hoping that the reason you didn't get it was cause you were pregnant and not because of your under-lying medical issues. How do you think it feels to have sex with your husband and have it feeling more like a chore than something that should be fun and sensual? How do you think it feels to go through day by day either taking your basal temperature first thing in the morning, peeing on a stick to test for the day you are ovulating or because you are trying to see if you are pregnant or not? IT IS NOT FUN! It seriously takes a toll on a person's mind, body, and soul. We don't mean to be bitches, but sometimes we just are. We are hopped up on all kinds of meds (oral medications, injections, and/or suppositories) just to try to conceive a baby. Which is something many, many, MANY of you can do in just one drunken night. No we are not bitter. No we are not hating on you. We are just HURT. We know that most of you mean well. But some times the words that come out of your mouth just feels like a sharp knife just cutting into our hearts slowly.
One thing you should NEVER say to someone struggling with infertility is:
"Oh, you are still young. You have so much time to try again!"
Do you want to know how we feel about this? (I don't want to say we ALL feel this way, but I'm pretty sure that the majority of us do feel this way.) We would love more than anything to smack you in the face and tell you to "shut the eff up!" You know why? Because we have been trying. EVERY SINGLE DAY, EVERY SINGLE MONTH. IT'S JUST NOT HAPPENING. You think we are just giving up all the time? We aren't! We are investing ourselves, our minds, our bodies, our paychecks, and all just to have a baby. Just to get pregnant and create a child that is a part of us and our other half. When you say this to us, it feels like you aren't even listening. Now, did you know that females are born with the amount of eggs that they will ever produce? Unlike men who produce sperm (and millions of them at that) every single day and every ejaculation... a woman will release their eggs every month and there's just that small 12-24 hour period in which a sperm will have to swim towards the egg and fertilize that. Some of you can't even decide on what you want to eat for dinner the next day, let alone fertilize an egg. So, we are trying. We might still be young, but while you were talking to us, we may have just lost an egg that will never be fertilized. So, please be a little more cautious of how you say this. We will greatly appreciate this.
Also, please refrain from saying, "Oh, you know if you take a break and just take your mind off of it, it will happen."
Cause you know why? We have taken many breaks. we have tried to de-stress. But how can you tell someone who is so hard-pressed on something (conceiving a child, nonetheless) that they should just take their minds off of it. Heck, when some of you want a pair of shoes, a bag, a video game so much, you can hardly stop thinking of it. This is a child we are talking about. Not just a materialistic thing. We can't just "take our minds off of it." If it were that easy then we wouldn't be so stressed. DUH! Now, yes, I did conceive our miracle because we took a break, but you also have to keep in mind that I took a break because I didn't want to be a bitch around my parents and grandma when they came to visit. It wasn't because I thought it would be the way to get pregnant. I still thought about it every single minute of the day and you have to understand that the previous month before his conception, I was on a VERY high dosage of fertility injections. I could've had some of those drugs still in my body for all we know. But what I do know is that even with the help of a lot of medications, I was still unable to conceive a baby or keep a baby. He was truly my little miracle.
Now, I have more "What NOT to say" to us, but I will go ahead and talk about what you should say to us. You should definitely feel comfortable enough to tell us that you are expecting yourself. We will not be "not happy" that you are with child. We are over the moon that you are! Are we a little hurt? Why, heck yes we are! But we are also very excited and happy that you are as well. But we will also appreciate you more for the mere fact that you felt that you cared about us enough to let us know yourself. If you truly loved us or cared for us, then you would know that we would reciprocate those feelings. But listen, if you are a wh*re who sleeps around and more than likely doesn't know who your baby daddy is or you are one of those who still go out partying and drinking knowing damn well you pregnant, then you can just get the heck out of our faces. That is some B.S! Why would the lord let someone who is so un-deserving of a child to love and make us suffer so much. When we are with a significant whom will love and cherish this baby and have the ability to provide for a child but the lord wants to play games and not let us have a baby. See, that's some effed up sh*t. But we know that sometimes life just SUCKS! and we just have to get up and get over it.
Now, we know that there a lot of things you could say and not say, but just remember that you don't have to watch what you say to us all the time, but at least listen to the words that are coming out of your mouth next time. Is it something that would really hurt someone or seem insensitive? If you even think that it "might" be just a tad insensitive then it might actually be that way. You don't have to always hold your tongue with us. We are grown and we can take it. But we also want to share the news with you as well. We might be hurt for a little bit, but we will definitely get over it.
I know that there are many other things you could or shouldn't say, but I will wait til next time. I hope that if you have any questions that you feel comfortable enough to come to me and ask away. That is one of the reasons for this blog. I'm here for you all.
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Saturday, March 28, 2015
Update from Dr's Appt o3.27.15
So, as you all know, I went to the doctor this past friday. I had to go in for a follow-up because I was diagnosed with Pneumonia about two weeks ago. I was cleared of the pneumonia, but I also had questions to ask the doctor myself.
You already know (if you have been reading each blog consecutively) that I have an adenoma in my pituitary and I also have PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome). I have known about this for awhile and I am being treated for these already. But my question to the doctor on friday was whether she thought that I might have "Cushing's Syndrome or Disease."
Now, how did I come up with this syndrome out of nowhere? Well, I was just browsing through Facebook and you know how there's always news links that come up? Like with accidents, murders, etc? Well, this article came up about a man that was 400+ pounds and was diagnosed with a tumor in his pituitary gland. He ended up getting it removed and was starting to lose weight and becoming more active and so on and so forth. I was like, "Wow, that's awesome. Definitely someone I can look up to." But then there was a section underneath the article that had articles that were similar or related to that story. And one of the stories was, "A telling sign that you might have Cushing's Syndrome." And there was a picture with a lady and a hump on her upper back. I was like, "WHOA! Wait, I have that." What the heck? I have always complained about having this small hump on my upper back between my shoulder blades. I never had this until I started gaining so much weight. I just thought it was because I have such big boobs and it made me lean forward all the time and it caused a hump. I have never complained to a doctor about this and I've only complained to Nam about it. If you look at me, you wont be able to tell unless I tell you it's there. (Now don't be trying to look for it the next time you see me, cause if I catch you staring at my upper back, imma know why you looking. Uh huh. I see you! haha)
Well, after googling it, WebMd'ing it, and searching images of it; I really started to think that I might have it. I know I shouldn't be trying to self-diagnosing myself through WebMD, but I couldn't help it! So, I did the right thing and asked my doctor instead of going crazy and wondering if I had it or not. After I asked her to check my back, she did say that she saw what I was talking about. She said this was not her specialty and that she would have to send me to someone else for it. But she did say that she can talk to someone and see if we could run any tests now and get the ball rolling before I can see an Endocrinologist for it. I told her that would be great if that were possible. She went to speak with someone and came back and we agreed to do a 24 hour urine test. The collection will be sent to Mayo and then results sent back after a few days. We will go from there after we get the results. There are so many things that could happen or not happen. I just want to know. Knowing is half the battle right? Hopefully it's negative, but if it's not then we will find a way to fix this. I will not give up hope and I will not give up on my life. I have a beautiful family to spend the rest of my days with!
So, please help say a prayer with me and let's hope that this is nothing that I can't handle.
**PCOS is defined by WebMD as:
You already know (if you have been reading each blog consecutively) that I have an adenoma in my pituitary and I also have PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome). I have known about this for awhile and I am being treated for these already. But my question to the doctor on friday was whether she thought that I might have "Cushing's Syndrome or Disease."
Now, how did I come up with this syndrome out of nowhere? Well, I was just browsing through Facebook and you know how there's always news links that come up? Like with accidents, murders, etc? Well, this article came up about a man that was 400+ pounds and was diagnosed with a tumor in his pituitary gland. He ended up getting it removed and was starting to lose weight and becoming more active and so on and so forth. I was like, "Wow, that's awesome. Definitely someone I can look up to." But then there was a section underneath the article that had articles that were similar or related to that story. And one of the stories was, "A telling sign that you might have Cushing's Syndrome." And there was a picture with a lady and a hump on her upper back. I was like, "WHOA! Wait, I have that." What the heck? I have always complained about having this small hump on my upper back between my shoulder blades. I never had this until I started gaining so much weight. I just thought it was because I have such big boobs and it made me lean forward all the time and it caused a hump. I have never complained to a doctor about this and I've only complained to Nam about it. If you look at me, you wont be able to tell unless I tell you it's there. (Now don't be trying to look for it the next time you see me, cause if I catch you staring at my upper back, imma know why you looking. Uh huh. I see you! haha)
Well, after googling it, WebMd'ing it, and searching images of it; I really started to think that I might have it. I know I shouldn't be trying to self-diagnosing myself through WebMD, but I couldn't help it! So, I did the right thing and asked my doctor instead of going crazy and wondering if I had it or not. After I asked her to check my back, she did say that she saw what I was talking about. She said this was not her specialty and that she would have to send me to someone else for it. But she did say that she can talk to someone and see if we could run any tests now and get the ball rolling before I can see an Endocrinologist for it. I told her that would be great if that were possible. She went to speak with someone and came back and we agreed to do a 24 hour urine test. The collection will be sent to Mayo and then results sent back after a few days. We will go from there after we get the results. There are so many things that could happen or not happen. I just want to know. Knowing is half the battle right? Hopefully it's negative, but if it's not then we will find a way to fix this. I will not give up hope and I will not give up on my life. I have a beautiful family to spend the rest of my days with!
So, please help say a prayer with me and let's hope that this is nothing that I can't handle.
**PCOS is defined by WebMD as:
a problem in which a woman's hormones are out of balance. It can cause problems with your periods and make it difficult to get pregnant. PCOS also may cause unwanted changes in the way you look. If it isn't treated, over time it can lead to serious health problems, such as diabetes and heart disease.
Most women with PCOS grow many small cysts 
on their ovaries. That is why it is called polycystic ovary syndrome. The cysts are not harmful but lead to hormone imbalances.
on their ovaries. That is why it is called polycystic ovary syndrome. The cysts are not harmful but lead to hormone imbalances.
Early diagnosis and treatment can help control the symptoms and prevent long-term problems.
Hormones are chemical messengers that trigger many different processes, including growth and energy production. Often, the job of one hormone is to signal the release of another hormone.
For reasons that are not well understood, in PCOS the hormones get out of balance. One hormone change triggers another, which changes another. For example:
- The sex hormones get out of balance. Normally, the ovaries make a tiny amount of male sex hormones (androgens). In PCOS, they start making slightly more androgens. This may cause you to stopovulating, get acne, and grow extra facial and body hair.
- The body may have a problem using insulin, called insulin resistance. When the body doesn't use insulin well, blood sugar levels go up. Over time, this increases your chance of getting diabetes.
The cause of PCOS is not fully understood, but genetics may be a factor. PCOS seems to run in families, so your chance of having it is higher if other women in your family have it or have irregular periodsor diabetes. PCOS can be passed down from either your mother's or father's side.
Symptoms tend to be mild at first. You may have only a few symptoms or a lot of them. The most common symptoms are:
- Acne.
- Weight gain and trouble losing weight.
- Extra hair on the face and body. Often women get thicker and darker facial hair and more hair on the chest, belly, and back.
- Thinning hair on the scalp.
- Irregular periods. Often women with PCOS have fewer than nine periods a year. Some women have no periods. Others have very heavy bleeding.
- Fertility problems. Many women who have PCOS have troublegetting pregnant (infertility).
- Depression.
"Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS): Symptoms, Cause, and Treatment." WebMD. WebMD, n.d. Web. 29 Mar. 2015.
Thank YOU for the support!!
Wow, I cannot believe the amount of support I have been given since I have started this blog. You have all made me realize that what I am doing is not only good for myself but it could also be good for someone else.
I know that many of you never knew what was happening to me or only knew an inkling of what I was going through, but I sincerely thank each and every one of you for the out-pouring of support that I have received since this all came to light. Like I said, I am not doing this for attention or praise. I'm doing this so that I can help myself. This is an outlet for me to channel my frustrations, joys, disappointments and excitements in every thing I am going through. This blog here will help me alleviate any type of burden that I can take off myself. Even if it's just an ounce that is lifted, that is better than an ounce that I am holding in.
Please feel free to forward this blog to any person you believe that I would be able to help. Or to anyone you know that would like to see what I go through and experience while I am on this journey.
Once again, I am absolutely delighted to have all of you support me in this. I love you all!!
I know that many of you never knew what was happening to me or only knew an inkling of what I was going through, but I sincerely thank each and every one of you for the out-pouring of support that I have received since this all came to light. Like I said, I am not doing this for attention or praise. I'm doing this so that I can help myself. This is an outlet for me to channel my frustrations, joys, disappointments and excitements in every thing I am going through. This blog here will help me alleviate any type of burden that I can take off myself. Even if it's just an ounce that is lifted, that is better than an ounce that I am holding in.
Please feel free to forward this blog to any person you believe that I would be able to help. Or to anyone you know that would like to see what I go through and experience while I am on this journey.
Once again, I am absolutely delighted to have all of you support me in this. I love you all!!
Thursday, March 26, 2015
Why I am the way I am now... LONG but explains a lot
So, I know some of you have wondered about what is going on with me and what I am going through. I've heard the mean remarks of "Wow, have you seen Vivian? She is BIG, FAT, HUGE now! What happened?" Yes, I have heard them all. (You guys suck at gossiping.)
If you must know, before I was diagnosed with everything, I just basically chalked everything up to my medication that I was taking when I go sick in Virginia. When I was living in VA, I got really sick and was taken to the doctor's. He diagnosed me with respiratory ailment and gave me prednisone for it. Well, prednisone is a steroidal medication that does help the ailment, but it also has a badddddd side effect of weight gain. Now, I did not believe that I would gain so much weight and trust me, when I did, I could not believe how much and how fast I had gained. I gained so much that when my parents saw me after a few months, they could not believe what was happening to me. It was crazy to me how much weight I had gained (literally about 75 lbs in over a few months) But being young and naive as I was, I seriously just thought it was the medication that made me this big. So, I just decided to live with it. I tried to work out. I barely lost a pound or two. If I did lose a steady five pounds or more, then the week I took a break from working out, I gained it all back. And NO, I DO NOT EAT A LOT. Sometimes I could barely eat. I had a feeling there was something else wrong, but I did not know how to find out what was wrong. (Again, young and stupid.)
Fast forward a few years to when my husband and I are trying to figure out why I just miscarried our second child and why it was getting harder and harder for me to conceive. After many failed attempts to conceive again, we were referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) in Oahu. She specializes in helping families with infertility problems. After all of the doctors I had seen for my "regular" appts, any time I complained about my weight or issue, they would just say "stop eating so much. be more active." Pffftttttttttttt!! I don't and I was! But they never listened. Until we met Dr. D. in Oahu. Wow, one look.. I kid you not, one LOOK at me and she said, "I'm going to run some tests. I'm wondering if you have something called PCOS. This could be the cause of the abnormal weight gain, difficulty to lose the weight, and skin darkening that I can see right now. You carry most of your weight around your mid-section. That is a good indication. We will test you right now." And off I went to the blood lab! My cousin, Kirby (RIP cousin!), was the lucky person to take me to the blood draw. He almost damn near fainted when he saw them take twenty-one, YES, TWENTY-one tubes of blood from me. She asked for every work up and blood panel she could think of that would hopefully explain what was happening to me. Thank goodness she did. Because that is when we found out that I had PCOS, metabolic syndrome, and problems producing progesterone (important hormone to keep a baby alive when you first conceive.)
This was only the beginning of my problems, but it definitely helped us get started on the road to... I can't say recovery, but to getting better! After starting the medications she prescribed, I started to get my periods regularly again (essential to conceive) and I started to feel a little better and even look a little better. I wasn't all "fixed," but it was definitely something! PCOS makes it easy for a person to gain weight but 100 times harder to lose the weight. It messes with your hormones and just messes up your chances of conceiving a baby.
After that diagnosis, we started on our fertility journey. We failed at timed intercourse, so we were upped to IUI's. We had many, many failed IUI attempts or would conceive and miscarry within the first four weeks. Devastating, but we did not want to give up.
We were given the opportunity to do IVF and we jumped on it. They were able to retrieve 33 eggs from me during the procedure, but only eight eggs took and only six survived the process. We chose to implant two embryos. That did not take. We again saw another negative. It was getting harder and harder on my body. I was gaining more weight and even more hormonal from the meds. I know I drove Nam crazy, but like I said, I'm so thankful he stayed. Any other guy would've bailed out already. I was turning into someone that even I did not know or recognize. But I was so determined. SO DETERMINED to have a child that I was willing to hurt our marriage. I didn't mean to, but I know I did. But I wanted a baby so badly that it was clouding my judgement.
Two years later and we finally conceive with IUI and the baby made it past six weeks. We were ecstatic but we knew that we shouldn't be too happy. A lot could happen in just the next week alone. We go for our confirmation ultrasound and we find out that I was actually pregnant with twins! Two babies! But sadly, one was already bleeding out and only one baby was still viable. We were sad, but still happy to see that little bubble in the sonogram. We promised to take it easy and follow-up as directed.
A few weeks later and we go in for another sonogram. Baby A is alive and growing well. No problems seen and we were sent home. This could be it! We might be able to make this pregnancy last the whole nine months! Wishful thinking, I know. Because less than a week later I started to feel these crazy pains throughout my body that I just could not explain. It felt like my heart beat was pulsating up and down my veins. I felt like I could feel EVERY HEART BEAT. It was painful! I started to get ridiculous pains on my lower abdomen. I couldn't stand, I couldn't lay, I couldn't sit, I could barely breathe. Something was wrong and I knew I couldn't do anything about it but rush to the hospital. Nam called Dr. D. and she said to rush to the emergency room.
As I was being driven to the hospital, I was crying in agony in the back. I couldn't lay or sit. I was just in so much pain! I was crying and I didn't know what to do. I had lost all control within my body and mind and I was just hurt. I am finally at the ER and was quickly admitted. The attending physician came in to ask what was wrong and as I was explaining my pain, I could tell that he was not really listening. He said, "Okay, i'll see what we can do and I'll be right back." He comes back after a few tests and I can hear him say that "She is probably just imagining this pain. Just send her home with some _painkiller_ and have her follow-up with her doctor." When he told us that, I was enraged. I could not believe that he thought I was over-exaggerating! I demanded he call Dr. D. and tell her that I was still in a great deal of pain and there has to be something wrong with the baby! He finally comes in and says that Dr. D. recommends a full ultrasound scan. I finally feel some sense of relief, but I was still in so much pain and disbelief that all I did was cry.
The U/S tech finally comes in to get me. At first she started the U/S like any other sonogram. She saw Baby A right away and did the measurements said Baby A seems to be doing good. She doesn't see any internal bleeding, but she was not done with the ultrasound yet. After a few minutes, she starts to talk less. She basically became silent. She started measuring something and was not informing us of what she was doing. Every time we asked if something was wrong, she kept saying I'm not allowed to tell you anything. I will send these to the doctor and I will be back. After another 20 minutes, she's finally done with the U/S and she says that she has to speak to the doctor and she will be right back. I'm still in pain right now. I'm laying there and just staring at Baby A just pictured in his bubble. I thought that seeing baby okay would make me feel better, it didn't. I was still in immense pain.
The tech finally walks back in. She proceeds to inform us that there is another baby in there. The baby is growing as it should and looks to be fine, but the baby was not in the uterus. They were saying the baby was ectopic (growing outside the uterus) The doctor then comes in and informs me that I need an MRI so that they can determine where this baby is.
Off I go to the MRI room. Nam doesn't know what to do. I don't know what's happening, but I lay there and get the MRI done. Afterwards, the doctor comes in with the results. It seems that this baby was growing near my internal organs and needed to be terminated because it was growing too big. I could die if we did not terminate soon. ASAP actually. So, we make the heart-breaking decision to have them terminate the baby. The only way to do this so they do not harm Baby A was to have a potassium shot (injected with a ridiculously huge and long needle) inserted into my belly and guided by sonogram and injected into the baby. That would (and should have terminated the baby)
I am now a medical phenomenon. This has only happened to a handful of women in the world (documented, at least) and they were uncertain of the ways to proceed, but the potassium shot was the best bet to keep Baby A safe. The follow-up sonogram shows that Baby B has passed. We just had to make sure that the baby's sac was no longer growing.
We thought we were safe. I was no longer in throbbing pain and I felt as if we were on the way to recovery. I was wrong. I started to feel pains again. We went in for a f/u sonogram. The sonogram shows us that Baby B's sac was still growing. It was becoming bigger and bigger and that's why I was not getting better. Baby A was still thriving and alive. What are we gonna do?
Our choices? The insensitive jerks said that she wanted to just go in and cut the baby out. A big chance that I would lose Baby A in the process and I could die as well. Or we can terminate Baby A and then go in and have them remove Baby B as well. Putting less risk on my life. What were we to do? I asked Nam and we asked my parents. They said that my life was more important right now. Be selfish. We can try again. We not only got pregnant this time, but with multiples! We can do it again. We agreed. We sadly chose to terminate Baby A.
I cried and cried all the way until they put me under. The doctor said she removed everything of Baby A. I cried. Nam cried. I just didn't want to live anymore. But I knew I was given this chance to live again. I was going to take it. We thought that this was it. I was finally on the road to recovery. Well, we were wrong.
At a follow-up appointment, Dr. D. discovers that the sac of Baby B was still growing. She would have to go in and remove it. It was getting too dangerous. She sets up the surgery and we agree to be there.
That day, as she checks me in, I remember her asking me "What is your blood type?" I said I didn't know. She said, "okay, just as a precaution we will get your blood type. Just in case you need a blood transfusion. But I doubt it." That was the last thing I remembered before I went under.
When I woke up in recovery, all I remember is opening my eyes. It was hazy and I started to drift back to sleep. Then I hear the nurse yelling at me to stay awake. Stay with him. I feel him hitting me. He then yells for assistance and that I was about to code. That was all I remembered from that...
I then wake up in recovery again. This time, they inform me that I lost so much blood that I needed to have a blood transfusion. They told me to rest up and they will take me up to my room where the doctor will come to see me. I fell back asleep.
In my designated room, Dr. D. steps in. She finally informs me of the catastrophe that was my surgery. When she went in the laparoscopic (belly button) route, she realized that the baby was actually attached to my uterine muscle and my internal organs. The baby had become like a cancerous cell. It was growing even though there was no viable baby present. She had to hurry and call for an oncologist to come in and assist. She had to open me up. I had to get a laparotomy. They said they cut me open and were finally able to remove the sac, but they also had to remove a portion of my uterine muscle. If I were to get pregnant again and have a full-term baby, I would not be able to push the baby out. I would need to have a c-section. No matter what. I could not believe what I was hearing. This was all so unreal to me. I looked at my dad who came to be by my side and also at my husband and I started crying. Why me? What the heck did I do in my past life to deserve all of this? But they told me that I was lucky to be alive. Was I? Was I really lucky? *sigh
Am I done yet? Nope. Ready to read on? Okay... let's continue. So fast forward two or three months and Nam and I are no longer residents of Hawaii, but we are now in another city/state. In my crazy mind-set, I believed that I was ready to have another baby. I wanted to start trying again. Was I crazy? Yes? I wanted to fill an empty void that I had. I wanted our babies to come back. So, being the supportive husband he is, he decides to start trying again.
We again have months of failed IUI's. He was growing frustrated. Not at me. But at the sight of seeing me get injected with medications every day. Taking pills every day. All just to have a baby and try to stay as healthy as I can.
Finally, one month, we decided to take a break. My parents and grandma told us they were coming in town. We both agreed that I should take a break and let my body rest. We didn't want me to be moody around my parents and grandma. We wanted to enjoy their visit.
...And this is how a miracle came about. They came to visit and we had a great time. Oddly enough, a week after they had flown back, I started to get nauseous a lot. Craving weird things. But I couldn't be pregnant. We took a break. But hey, lets just take the extra progesterone gel we had left. They were expiring that month. They were expensive. Doesn't hurt. A few days later... I decided to test just for the heck of it. I threw up that morning, but I thought it was food poisoning or my meds. But hey, why not? Have test strips. Just do it. (People who have been trying to conceive understand the need to pee on a stick. Yes, the need to.) So, I did. I went outside to watch t.v. for a bit. Came back to use the restroom and just so happened to walk by the test. Looked at it. Thought I was seeing things and said, "Ha, go pee. You aren't pregnant!" So, I did. Then I came back to wash my hands and stare at the test again. Yup. There was a line. A faint, faint line. But it was there. Couldn't be. If I were pregnant, then I was three weeks pregnant. Like three weeks and 2 days. Too early to tell. But I called my RE and went in for a blood test anyway. It was a friday, so they said they would call me monday with the results. I pee'd on a stick again on saturday, saturday afternoon, saturday night, yup... you get the point. All the way up to monday morning. I woke up and did it again. The results you ask? The line kept getting darker. :)
Finally the doctors office called. "Congratulations. You are pregnant! Early on, but definitely pregnant! Come in for another blood draw to see if your numbers went up." And did they? They DID! This baby was right on track. Blood draw after blood draw, he was growing!
Finally at our 12 week check up, we go in for the sonogram and the RE turns to us and says, "Congratulations, you have graduated from me and are being sent to a regular OBGYN. You will also see a perinatologist, but you have made it to twelve weeks. TWELVE WEEKS!" We could not believe our ears and eyes. We made it this far! OMG!
After months and weeks of heart monitoring three times a week, multiple tests and multiple sonograms, our miracle decided to come out to the world. He had me 2 cm dilated at 18 weeks and contracting the whole pregnancy and on bed rest the WHOLE ENTIRE PREGNANCY, but he was here! He was 5-1/2 weeks early, but he was in our arms. ALIVE, BREATHING, and CRYING! He was OURS! OMG! He IS OURS! He came at a time that we needed him and he came at a time that he was ready. He is truly our miracle child.
You would think this would be it right? I'm good now right? Nope. I was diagnosed with an adenoma in my pituitary gland when Kaleb was barely a few weeks old. I now have a brain tumor. Yup, it has been affecting my hormones and it was also another cause of my weight gain, vision blurriness, headaches, depression, and number of health problems. The tumor is not growing as of last year, so we are doing the "wait and see" method on what to do. I'm on medications for it. But now... I think that I have something else. We will find out this friday or next week when I go back to the doctors.
So, I will leave you here and say thank you for reading this. I can't believe you made it this far. Congrats! Ha! :) Well, I promise to keep you posted on my findings and I will continue to fill you in on what else that has been happening to me. I can't fit it all in one night of blogging. So good night and sweet dreams world! Til next blog!
If you must know, before I was diagnosed with everything, I just basically chalked everything up to my medication that I was taking when I go sick in Virginia. When I was living in VA, I got really sick and was taken to the doctor's. He diagnosed me with respiratory ailment and gave me prednisone for it. Well, prednisone is a steroidal medication that does help the ailment, but it also has a badddddd side effect of weight gain. Now, I did not believe that I would gain so much weight and trust me, when I did, I could not believe how much and how fast I had gained. I gained so much that when my parents saw me after a few months, they could not believe what was happening to me. It was crazy to me how much weight I had gained (literally about 75 lbs in over a few months) But being young and naive as I was, I seriously just thought it was the medication that made me this big. So, I just decided to live with it. I tried to work out. I barely lost a pound or two. If I did lose a steady five pounds or more, then the week I took a break from working out, I gained it all back. And NO, I DO NOT EAT A LOT. Sometimes I could barely eat. I had a feeling there was something else wrong, but I did not know how to find out what was wrong. (Again, young and stupid.)
Fast forward a few years to when my husband and I are trying to figure out why I just miscarried our second child and why it was getting harder and harder for me to conceive. After many failed attempts to conceive again, we were referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) in Oahu. She specializes in helping families with infertility problems. After all of the doctors I had seen for my "regular" appts, any time I complained about my weight or issue, they would just say "stop eating so much. be more active." Pffftttttttttttt!! I don't and I was! But they never listened. Until we met Dr. D. in Oahu. Wow, one look.. I kid you not, one LOOK at me and she said, "I'm going to run some tests. I'm wondering if you have something called PCOS. This could be the cause of the abnormal weight gain, difficulty to lose the weight, and skin darkening that I can see right now. You carry most of your weight around your mid-section. That is a good indication. We will test you right now." And off I went to the blood lab! My cousin, Kirby (RIP cousin!), was the lucky person to take me to the blood draw. He almost damn near fainted when he saw them take twenty-one, YES, TWENTY-one tubes of blood from me. She asked for every work up and blood panel she could think of that would hopefully explain what was happening to me. Thank goodness she did. Because that is when we found out that I had PCOS, metabolic syndrome, and problems producing progesterone (important hormone to keep a baby alive when you first conceive.)
This was only the beginning of my problems, but it definitely helped us get started on the road to... I can't say recovery, but to getting better! After starting the medications she prescribed, I started to get my periods regularly again (essential to conceive) and I started to feel a little better and even look a little better. I wasn't all "fixed," but it was definitely something! PCOS makes it easy for a person to gain weight but 100 times harder to lose the weight. It messes with your hormones and just messes up your chances of conceiving a baby.
After that diagnosis, we started on our fertility journey. We failed at timed intercourse, so we were upped to IUI's. We had many, many failed IUI attempts or would conceive and miscarry within the first four weeks. Devastating, but we did not want to give up.
We were given the opportunity to do IVF and we jumped on it. They were able to retrieve 33 eggs from me during the procedure, but only eight eggs took and only six survived the process. We chose to implant two embryos. That did not take. We again saw another negative. It was getting harder and harder on my body. I was gaining more weight and even more hormonal from the meds. I know I drove Nam crazy, but like I said, I'm so thankful he stayed. Any other guy would've bailed out already. I was turning into someone that even I did not know or recognize. But I was so determined. SO DETERMINED to have a child that I was willing to hurt our marriage. I didn't mean to, but I know I did. But I wanted a baby so badly that it was clouding my judgement.
Two years later and we finally conceive with IUI and the baby made it past six weeks. We were ecstatic but we knew that we shouldn't be too happy. A lot could happen in just the next week alone. We go for our confirmation ultrasound and we find out that I was actually pregnant with twins! Two babies! But sadly, one was already bleeding out and only one baby was still viable. We were sad, but still happy to see that little bubble in the sonogram. We promised to take it easy and follow-up as directed.
A few weeks later and we go in for another sonogram. Baby A is alive and growing well. No problems seen and we were sent home. This could be it! We might be able to make this pregnancy last the whole nine months! Wishful thinking, I know. Because less than a week later I started to feel these crazy pains throughout my body that I just could not explain. It felt like my heart beat was pulsating up and down my veins. I felt like I could feel EVERY HEART BEAT. It was painful! I started to get ridiculous pains on my lower abdomen. I couldn't stand, I couldn't lay, I couldn't sit, I could barely breathe. Something was wrong and I knew I couldn't do anything about it but rush to the hospital. Nam called Dr. D. and she said to rush to the emergency room.
As I was being driven to the hospital, I was crying in agony in the back. I couldn't lay or sit. I was just in so much pain! I was crying and I didn't know what to do. I had lost all control within my body and mind and I was just hurt. I am finally at the ER and was quickly admitted. The attending physician came in to ask what was wrong and as I was explaining my pain, I could tell that he was not really listening. He said, "Okay, i'll see what we can do and I'll be right back." He comes back after a few tests and I can hear him say that "She is probably just imagining this pain. Just send her home with some _painkiller_ and have her follow-up with her doctor." When he told us that, I was enraged. I could not believe that he thought I was over-exaggerating! I demanded he call Dr. D. and tell her that I was still in a great deal of pain and there has to be something wrong with the baby! He finally comes in and says that Dr. D. recommends a full ultrasound scan. I finally feel some sense of relief, but I was still in so much pain and disbelief that all I did was cry.
The U/S tech finally comes in to get me. At first she started the U/S like any other sonogram. She saw Baby A right away and did the measurements said Baby A seems to be doing good. She doesn't see any internal bleeding, but she was not done with the ultrasound yet. After a few minutes, she starts to talk less. She basically became silent. She started measuring something and was not informing us of what she was doing. Every time we asked if something was wrong, she kept saying I'm not allowed to tell you anything. I will send these to the doctor and I will be back. After another 20 minutes, she's finally done with the U/S and she says that she has to speak to the doctor and she will be right back. I'm still in pain right now. I'm laying there and just staring at Baby A just pictured in his bubble. I thought that seeing baby okay would make me feel better, it didn't. I was still in immense pain.
The tech finally walks back in. She proceeds to inform us that there is another baby in there. The baby is growing as it should and looks to be fine, but the baby was not in the uterus. They were saying the baby was ectopic (growing outside the uterus) The doctor then comes in and informs me that I need an MRI so that they can determine where this baby is.
Off I go to the MRI room. Nam doesn't know what to do. I don't know what's happening, but I lay there and get the MRI done. Afterwards, the doctor comes in with the results. It seems that this baby was growing near my internal organs and needed to be terminated because it was growing too big. I could die if we did not terminate soon. ASAP actually. So, we make the heart-breaking decision to have them terminate the baby. The only way to do this so they do not harm Baby A was to have a potassium shot (injected with a ridiculously huge and long needle) inserted into my belly and guided by sonogram and injected into the baby. That would (and should have terminated the baby)
I am now a medical phenomenon. This has only happened to a handful of women in the world (documented, at least) and they were uncertain of the ways to proceed, but the potassium shot was the best bet to keep Baby A safe. The follow-up sonogram shows that Baby B has passed. We just had to make sure that the baby's sac was no longer growing.
We thought we were safe. I was no longer in throbbing pain and I felt as if we were on the way to recovery. I was wrong. I started to feel pains again. We went in for a f/u sonogram. The sonogram shows us that Baby B's sac was still growing. It was becoming bigger and bigger and that's why I was not getting better. Baby A was still thriving and alive. What are we gonna do?
Our choices? The insensitive jerks said that she wanted to just go in and cut the baby out. A big chance that I would lose Baby A in the process and I could die as well. Or we can terminate Baby A and then go in and have them remove Baby B as well. Putting less risk on my life. What were we to do? I asked Nam and we asked my parents. They said that my life was more important right now. Be selfish. We can try again. We not only got pregnant this time, but with multiples! We can do it again. We agreed. We sadly chose to terminate Baby A.
I cried and cried all the way until they put me under. The doctor said she removed everything of Baby A. I cried. Nam cried. I just didn't want to live anymore. But I knew I was given this chance to live again. I was going to take it. We thought that this was it. I was finally on the road to recovery. Well, we were wrong.
At a follow-up appointment, Dr. D. discovers that the sac of Baby B was still growing. She would have to go in and remove it. It was getting too dangerous. She sets up the surgery and we agree to be there.
That day, as she checks me in, I remember her asking me "What is your blood type?" I said I didn't know. She said, "okay, just as a precaution we will get your blood type. Just in case you need a blood transfusion. But I doubt it." That was the last thing I remembered before I went under.
When I woke up in recovery, all I remember is opening my eyes. It was hazy and I started to drift back to sleep. Then I hear the nurse yelling at me to stay awake. Stay with him. I feel him hitting me. He then yells for assistance and that I was about to code. That was all I remembered from that...
I then wake up in recovery again. This time, they inform me that I lost so much blood that I needed to have a blood transfusion. They told me to rest up and they will take me up to my room where the doctor will come to see me. I fell back asleep.
In my designated room, Dr. D. steps in. She finally informs me of the catastrophe that was my surgery. When she went in the laparoscopic (belly button) route, she realized that the baby was actually attached to my uterine muscle and my internal organs. The baby had become like a cancerous cell. It was growing even though there was no viable baby present. She had to hurry and call for an oncologist to come in and assist. She had to open me up. I had to get a laparotomy. They said they cut me open and were finally able to remove the sac, but they also had to remove a portion of my uterine muscle. If I were to get pregnant again and have a full-term baby, I would not be able to push the baby out. I would need to have a c-section. No matter what. I could not believe what I was hearing. This was all so unreal to me. I looked at my dad who came to be by my side and also at my husband and I started crying. Why me? What the heck did I do in my past life to deserve all of this? But they told me that I was lucky to be alive. Was I? Was I really lucky? *sigh
Am I done yet? Nope. Ready to read on? Okay... let's continue. So fast forward two or three months and Nam and I are no longer residents of Hawaii, but we are now in another city/state. In my crazy mind-set, I believed that I was ready to have another baby. I wanted to start trying again. Was I crazy? Yes? I wanted to fill an empty void that I had. I wanted our babies to come back. So, being the supportive husband he is, he decides to start trying again.
We again have months of failed IUI's. He was growing frustrated. Not at me. But at the sight of seeing me get injected with medications every day. Taking pills every day. All just to have a baby and try to stay as healthy as I can.
Finally, one month, we decided to take a break. My parents and grandma told us they were coming in town. We both agreed that I should take a break and let my body rest. We didn't want me to be moody around my parents and grandma. We wanted to enjoy their visit.
...And this is how a miracle came about. They came to visit and we had a great time. Oddly enough, a week after they had flown back, I started to get nauseous a lot. Craving weird things. But I couldn't be pregnant. We took a break. But hey, lets just take the extra progesterone gel we had left. They were expiring that month. They were expensive. Doesn't hurt. A few days later... I decided to test just for the heck of it. I threw up that morning, but I thought it was food poisoning or my meds. But hey, why not? Have test strips. Just do it. (People who have been trying to conceive understand the need to pee on a stick. Yes, the need to.) So, I did. I went outside to watch t.v. for a bit. Came back to use the restroom and just so happened to walk by the test. Looked at it. Thought I was seeing things and said, "Ha, go pee. You aren't pregnant!" So, I did. Then I came back to wash my hands and stare at the test again. Yup. There was a line. A faint, faint line. But it was there. Couldn't be. If I were pregnant, then I was three weeks pregnant. Like three weeks and 2 days. Too early to tell. But I called my RE and went in for a blood test anyway. It was a friday, so they said they would call me monday with the results. I pee'd on a stick again on saturday, saturday afternoon, saturday night, yup... you get the point. All the way up to monday morning. I woke up and did it again. The results you ask? The line kept getting darker. :)
Finally the doctors office called. "Congratulations. You are pregnant! Early on, but definitely pregnant! Come in for another blood draw to see if your numbers went up." And did they? They DID! This baby was right on track. Blood draw after blood draw, he was growing!
Finally at our 12 week check up, we go in for the sonogram and the RE turns to us and says, "Congratulations, you have graduated from me and are being sent to a regular OBGYN. You will also see a perinatologist, but you have made it to twelve weeks. TWELVE WEEKS!" We could not believe our ears and eyes. We made it this far! OMG!
After months and weeks of heart monitoring three times a week, multiple tests and multiple sonograms, our miracle decided to come out to the world. He had me 2 cm dilated at 18 weeks and contracting the whole pregnancy and on bed rest the WHOLE ENTIRE PREGNANCY, but he was here! He was 5-1/2 weeks early, but he was in our arms. ALIVE, BREATHING, and CRYING! He was OURS! OMG! He IS OURS! He came at a time that we needed him and he came at a time that he was ready. He is truly our miracle child.
You would think this would be it right? I'm good now right? Nope. I was diagnosed with an adenoma in my pituitary gland when Kaleb was barely a few weeks old. I now have a brain tumor. Yup, it has been affecting my hormones and it was also another cause of my weight gain, vision blurriness, headaches, depression, and number of health problems. The tumor is not growing as of last year, so we are doing the "wait and see" method on what to do. I'm on medications for it. But now... I think that I have something else. We will find out this friday or next week when I go back to the doctors.
So, I will leave you here and say thank you for reading this. I can't believe you made it this far. Congrats! Ha! :) Well, I promise to keep you posted on my findings and I will continue to fill you in on what else that has been happening to me. I can't fit it all in one night of blogging. So good night and sweet dreams world! Til next blog!
My World
(the two reasons why I will keep fighting this fight and I will never give up!)
Intro to OMG! My Life
Wow, I can't believe I'm actually doing this. I've always been told that I should start a blog. I've never really thought about doing this but now that I am starting my infertility journey again, I figured now would be a great time to begin!
My sister in law, J, is always great about being supportive and being like a cheerleader for me when it came to starting a blog. She always said, "Girlllll, you have been through so much! I think that you should start blogging so that others can read it and they can be inspired from it." Or they can just realize that they are not alone in their journey. She also said that I should start a food blog 'cause, let's face it, I know where all the great foodie spots are! ha ha
My true backbone in all of this, in this crazy journey that I call "LIFE," is my husband. Nam is more than a provider. He is my support, my love, my guidance, my everything. Without him, I would not be where I am today and as strong as I am today. What other man do you know of would stay with someone who is just all sorts of messed up "health-wise." He has been there for me through thick and thin, in sickness and in health and hormonal shots and surgeries and tears and laughter and I could go on and on and on, but it would still not explain the love that this man has for me. Nam has been there through it all. This man seriously deserves a medal. But let's stop now, don't want him to get too big-headed haha just kidding!
The other love of my life, the true puzzle piece that completes my heart is our son, Kaleb Jayce. This kid came at a time when we had given up hope. We had given up faith. I was seriously ready to throw in the towel. But like this one gypsy said to me (yeah, I spoke to a gypsy, don't judge me. ha!) "Your son came to you when HE was ready. He was ready to be in your arms. He was ready to live his life here on earth. He was ready to be yours." All of the babies that we have lost, they weren't ready to be here with us yet. So they had to go back. But Kaleb, this kid, seriously broke all boundaries and pushed his way into our lives and became the love that I never knew I could feel or know. This unconditional love I have for my son is something that is so special, so significant and yet I am unable to explain all into words how I feel for him. Words cannot describe what it feels like to be his mother. He is the lord's gift to us and I will cherish him for always.
Of course, I would not be half the woman I am today if it weren't for my family and friends. I have the best family that a girl could ask for. A mother and father who would give up anything so we could have everything. Two older brothers who love me and take care of me even if one is more vocal than the other. They show me their love by their actions. I have the best extended family as well. A grandmother who loves me regardless of my "burnt" blonde hair ha ha My aunts and uncles are like my "parents." My cousins are truly more like my brothers and sisters. My niece and my nephews are like my babies to me as well. Some more annoying than others (ha ha) What my family has taught me is that everyone deserves to be loved. Regardless of your faults, you deserve to be loved. Sometimes you may need a smack up aside your head, but you still deserve to be loved. I love that my friends are people that even if I don't speak to them for months, we still pick up right where we left off when we do get to see each other. I am truly blessed to have all this love surrounding me. And that is probably why I am still here today. Thank you to all of you. Thank you for being a part of my life.
Now, you are all probably wondering what this blog will be about. This blog will let you into my world. This blog will give you a glimpse into what I deal with day in and day out. You are more than welcome to talk to me about anything you read if you want to know more.
This blog will detail my journey in attempting to add another baby to our family. This blog will detail my struggles with living with my adenoma and PCOS and whatever ailments I am hit with that day or week or month. I don't want sympathy. I don't want fans. I just want you to understand what it feels like to go through what I go through. This blog will also have snippets of my love for cooking and couponing. (I can't have all of this boring medical stuff, gotta have some fun stuff in here too!) Thank you for making it this far and I hope you enjoy reading about my life :)
My sister in law, J, is always great about being supportive and being like a cheerleader for me when it came to starting a blog. She always said, "Girlllll, you have been through so much! I think that you should start blogging so that others can read it and they can be inspired from it." Or they can just realize that they are not alone in their journey. She also said that I should start a food blog 'cause, let's face it, I know where all the great foodie spots are! ha ha
My true backbone in all of this, in this crazy journey that I call "LIFE," is my husband. Nam is more than a provider. He is my support, my love, my guidance, my everything. Without him, I would not be where I am today and as strong as I am today. What other man do you know of would stay with someone who is just all sorts of messed up "health-wise." He has been there for me through thick and thin, in sickness and in health and hormonal shots and surgeries and tears and laughter and I could go on and on and on, but it would still not explain the love that this man has for me. Nam has been there through it all. This man seriously deserves a medal. But let's stop now, don't want him to get too big-headed haha just kidding!
Hubby and I
(in Honolulu, our first home as a married couple)
The other love of my life, the true puzzle piece that completes my heart is our son, Kaleb Jayce. This kid came at a time when we had given up hope. We had given up faith. I was seriously ready to throw in the towel. But like this one gypsy said to me (yeah, I spoke to a gypsy, don't judge me. ha!) "Your son came to you when HE was ready. He was ready to be in your arms. He was ready to live his life here on earth. He was ready to be yours." All of the babies that we have lost, they weren't ready to be here with us yet. So they had to go back. But Kaleb, this kid, seriously broke all boundaries and pushed his way into our lives and became the love that I never knew I could feel or know. This unconditional love I have for my son is something that is so special, so significant and yet I am unable to explain all into words how I feel for him. Words cannot describe what it feels like to be his mother. He is the lord's gift to us and I will cherish him for always.
Kaleb Jayce
Of course, I would not be half the woman I am today if it weren't for my family and friends. I have the best family that a girl could ask for. A mother and father who would give up anything so we could have everything. Two older brothers who love me and take care of me even if one is more vocal than the other. They show me their love by their actions. I have the best extended family as well. A grandmother who loves me regardless of my "burnt" blonde hair ha ha My aunts and uncles are like my "parents." My cousins are truly more like my brothers and sisters. My niece and my nephews are like my babies to me as well. Some more annoying than others (ha ha) What my family has taught me is that everyone deserves to be loved. Regardless of your faults, you deserve to be loved. Sometimes you may need a smack up aside your head, but you still deserve to be loved. I love that my friends are people that even if I don't speak to them for months, we still pick up right where we left off when we do get to see each other. I am truly blessed to have all this love surrounding me. And that is probably why I am still here today. Thank you to all of you. Thank you for being a part of my life.
Now, you are all probably wondering what this blog will be about. This blog will let you into my world. This blog will give you a glimpse into what I deal with day in and day out. You are more than welcome to talk to me about anything you read if you want to know more.
This blog will detail my journey in attempting to add another baby to our family. This blog will detail my struggles with living with my adenoma and PCOS and whatever ailments I am hit with that day or week or month. I don't want sympathy. I don't want fans. I just want you to understand what it feels like to go through what I go through. This blog will also have snippets of my love for cooking and couponing. (I can't have all of this boring medical stuff, gotta have some fun stuff in here too!) Thank you for making it this far and I hope you enjoy reading about my life :)
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